For 364 days a year, all that matters is what kind of music YOU like. But on Sunday, when the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards show comes on, it is the opinion of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences of the United States that counts.
We crunched the numbers, evaluated the contenders and channeled the academy's decision-making process to figure out who will win and who will be left sitting there in the audience, trying to hide their shame, rage and disappointment. Here's what we came up with for the Best Female Pop Vocal category. That’s right. BATTLE OF THE DIVAS! And no Norah Jones around to calmly steal the gold!
The Breakdown: Adele won both this category AND Best New Artist at the Grammys last year. It’s true! I looked it up and everything. So you would think she’s primed to take this category for a second straight year, but that is where you are WRONG, bucko! No one likes to see people win things over and over again. It’s why all rational people hate the New York Yankees. Adele’s piano ballad is quite pretty and her vocals are spot-on, but familiarity breeds contempt. VERDICT: Loser
”Hot N Cold,” by Katy Perry
The Breakdown: “You change your mind like a girl changes clothes.” OH SNAP! That girl isn’t taking any of your guff, boy! I think “Hot N Cold” is the best song in this category, but that’s hardly a deciding factor in who wins a Grammy (next year, when I kidnap all the voters, will be a different story). I think Perry will tempt many voters, but many more will stay away, given that Perry now dates Russell Brand, and there’s no available hand sanitizer near the ceremony’s podium. VERDICT: Loser
”Sober,” by Pink
The Breakdown: Not to be confused with “Sober,” by Tool, a song that will thrill and terrify you in equal measure. Notice how they swapped Pink in for Lady Gaga when no one was looking? The Grammys are so sneaky like that. Anyway, while Pink’s song plays as a searing confessional, it sounds way too much like “Don’t Let Me Get Me,” and plenty of other songs she recorded long ago. VERDICT: Loser
”Halo,” by Beyonce
The Breakdown: Again, the Grammy voters swap out Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” with this track, which isn’t anywhere near as good. This category will be a showdown between Beyonce and Taylor Swift. I think the Grammy voters purposely shut “Single Ladies” out of this category to prevent Kanye from bum rushing the stage. And that’s a shame, because I would totally watch the Grammys if that happened. That is to say, I would totally watch that one segment of the Grammys on YouTube ten hours after the telecast if that happened. VERDICT: Loser
”You Belong With Me,” by Taylor Swift
The Breakdown: Swift has to win one of these major awards at some point. I think her music’s too kiddieish for the Song and Record of the Year categories. This seems like a very nice place to assign her a token nod of appreciation. VERDICT: WINNER!