“There is no hidden space program,” says Mayor Villaraigosa. But there is. We have uncovered photographic evidence of a secret space program hidden from us by the retirees and grumpy sea captains of Admiralty Park.
People’s Exhibit A: Suspicious Dumpster
This “dumpster” was discovered on a post-New Year’s walk down Admiralty Way.
Carefully concealed from street view, the metallic box bears the official stencil of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration and no doubt shields a self-funded odyssey to the stars. There is much speculation that this very container is a working component of some unfathomably expensive space yacht affordable only to the local resident. The technology for self-funded flight exists in ever-increasing quantity, as does the drive to claim space for private use. Since the Ansari x-prize was taken by Scaled Composites in 2004, the latest challenge has been the Google Lunar X Prize, a 30 million dollar international competition to land an autonomous robot explorer on the moon no later than December 14, 2014, an autonomous robot that perhaps is like the fully functional “See-Threepio Jones” model now lining the sidewalks of Admiralty Park.
People’s Exhibit B: See-Threepio Jones
These “hydrantesque” golden automatons are denizens of the famous five star restaurant community, their silent and strangely complex mechanisms intelligible only to themselves and to their star-chambered constructors who have 30 million dollars to lavish on such advancements. Perhaps in 2009, we will see the endless seaside condominiums break open like voluminous, cement eggshells to let fly the first wave of Del Rey explorer fleets captained by these multifunctional, golden artificial men.
People’s Exhibit C: Spacecraft
This quiet, briny neighborhood exhibits signs of imminent departure, beckoning to the initiated that the time for leaving planet earth is soon at hand. Consider the image of a spacecraft posted in plain view. Strange days, indeed.
But if that isn’t enough to quell the skeptic’s thirst for real evidence of an intention to leave this planet, then what do you make of this?
People’s Exhibit D: Warding Off The Public
Something is afoot. These signs are everywhere! The last time I saw or heard of such a thing was in Spielberg’s “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, the terrifying (but fake) anthrax scare designed to keep the public at bay for a hundred miles around. This time the hoax involved boats and private property. Ask yourself why. Why does a permit need to be displayed at all times? Why tow us at the owner’s expense? It just doesn’t make any sense!
My calls to the Mayor’s office have yet to be returned. I asked a local wandering man what he thought, but he wandered away all too knowingly. Perhaps we are not ready for the stars. Tomorrow, the people of Marina Del Rey may call to say goodbye over the squawks of a great celestial radio built behind a trip panel in the fireplace lounge at Tony D’s, leaving us with eternal questions. Why go by yourselves to the stars? Why not take us with you? Did this have anything to do with rent control?