The vampire needs help. Somewhere between Bram Stoker and now, he has been transformed from a bloodsucking crime against nature to a shirtless, brooding emo simp who shines like a disco ball in "Twilight" and falls in love with fairies on "True Blood."
With the remake of the 80s horror/comedy classic "Fright Night" about to hit theaters this Friday- and star Colin Farrell's claim that he wants his vampire next door to actually be scary - we recall those cinematic nightstalkers who were more about chilling your blood than warming your heart.
10. Nomak - "Blade II"
The first "Blade" movie gave us slick, pretty vampires that weren't too far removed from Edward Cullen. Luckily, the sequel hired noted horrormeister Guillermo Del Toro and he instantly turned things up a notch. Giving us insect-mouthed abominations that scare even "normal" vampires? That's what we're talking about.
9. The Entire Bar - "From Dusk Till Dawn"
You know that uneasy feeling you get when you walk into a locals-only bar and you feel everyone's suspicious eyes on you, knowing there's a "you ain't from around here, are you?" coming your way? Well, count yourself lucky you're not at this place, where everyone from the exotic dancers to the house band can turn into slobbering monsters at a moment's notice. The doors are locked from the outside…
8. "Girl" - "Lifeforce"
What's worse than a wild-eyed maniac with fangs lusting after your precious blood? How about a beautiful space alien who literally sucks your entire essence out of your body with just a kiss?
7. Marlow - "30 Days of Night"
We single out the head guy, but really all of the "30 Days" vampires belong on the list. They bring the vampire back to its essence: cold-blooded walking death. These are not elegant creatures of the night, they're like two-legged sharks with black eyes and rows and rows of teeth that chew through victims like a wood chipper. Definitely more nightmare fuel than fantasy fodder.
6. Severen - "Near Dark"
You don't need ultra-pale skin and blood-red lips to be a spine-tingling vampire - hell, you don't even need fangs. Bill Paxton's Severen is basically a super-strong, unkillable, psychopathic redneck and if you need the scariness of that explained to you we're at a loss.
5. This Kid - "Salem's Lot"
Gah! Just….gah! Get away from our window!
4. Count Dracula - "Bram Stoker's Dracula"
How could we give Gary Oldman the nod over Uncle Bela? Simple. Francis Ford Coppola's version - despite featuring some of the "sexy" vampire tropes that would later be Twilighted within an inch of their lives - still positions Dracula as something otherworldly and just plain bizarre. The "creepy old man" version with the Princess Leia hair is unsettling in ways Lugosi couldn't even imagine during his more flagrant ether frolics. Plus, he turns into a werewolf AND a Man-Bat.
3. Max - "The Lost Boys"
Forget the glam-rock vamp gang led by Keifer Sutherland, the real terror is their master, Max. Why? Because he looks as harmless as your high school bio teacher, with his nerdy haircut, glasses, and doughy face. But he's not just a killer monster underneath, he's THE killer monster. It's always the quiet ones.
2. Martin - "Martin"
What makes George "Night of the Living Dead" Romero's creation so terrifying is that you're never sure if he's actually a vampire or just a sick, delusional kid who uses syringes and razor blades instead of fangs to get his blood fix. That hits close to home - go to any goth club and you'll see 87 potential Martins before you reach the bar.
1. Graf Orlok - "Nosferatu"
Now THIS is a vampire that keeps you awake all night, and not because he's good in the sack. Coppola's Dracula may have been disturbingly otherworldly, but could at least pass himself off as human. Orlok - with his rat face and impossibly long, taloned fingers, slinking around like something out of a half-remembered nightmare - is simply a monster. Not a misunderstood monster with a heart of gold - a creature. A creature that stalks and kills and goes back to sleep and won't ever, ever, introduce you to its parents. Sleep tight!