Look, people. We know times are difficult. And we've all considered some crazy options to make that money. But, for the last time, eBay will not allow you to sell your soul on their site. So, move on already.
We've all seen that Simpsons episode where Bart sold his soul to Milhouse for $5. But you see, that was a fictional TV episode filled with cartoon people who face no consequences for their actions. Hopefully that lesson has been learned by "Lori N.," a New Mexico woman who recently placed her eternal soul for open bidding on eBay.
Before eBay shut it down, Lori's promise of a "certificate of authenticity" of a "slightly used soul" was winning bids of over $400 dollars. Lori even offered potential buyers a "Carfax" (a Soulfax?) on all her soul's good and bad marks accumulated over the years.
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The certificate would give religious bidders the opportunity to save her soul through "prayer or conversion." There is a sad aspect to Lori's story who told a local news station (see video below) that following a car accident that left her with numerous injuries and stopped her from being able to make a living, she'd finally landed "at the end of my rope." If nothing else, she hoped the ad might allow her to make contact "with somebody else's soul."
Hopefully, with some of the media attention, Lori has been able build some beneficial connections in her life. (We're pulling for ya, Lori!) However, she won't be doing it through eBay who laid down the kibosh as part of their longstanding no-soul-selling policy. Apparently this is something that people (largely young, ambition-challenged men) attempt from time to time.
In 2008, a 24-year-old British musician named Dante Knoxx attempted to sell his soul in order to raise money for his band. After quitting his job as a laptop repairman, Knoxx placed his incorporeal essence on eBay with the following message: "I leave it to you, the denizens of Earth, to purchase my actual soul and in return allow me to acquire some tasty capital."
Earlier this year, a 20-year-old Seattle man named Adam Burtle was gaining bids up to $400 for his soul before bidding was finally suspended. He described his nebulous distillation of self as "hardly used… [a]s of now, it is near mint condition, with only minor scratches," The actual act of soul transfer seemed somewhat more daunting, to which he commented "Due to difficulties involved with removing my soul, the winning bidder will either have to settle for a night of yummy Thai food and cool indie flicks, or wait until my natural death." The item's accompanying photo, which has since been removed from the internet, featured Burtle sporting an "I'm with stupid" T-shirt.
And in 2000, an 18-year-old Canadian man named Sterling Jones placed his soul on sale and had bids as high as $20.50 before that particular transaction was taken down. A representative from eBay emailed Jones with a further explanation of its policy:
eBay does not allow the auctioning of human souls for the following reasons: If the soul does not exist, eBay could not allow the auctioning of the soul because there would be nothing to sell. However, if the soul does exist then, in accordance with eBay's policy on human parts and remains, we would not allow the auctioning of human souls.
Several futurists have predicted that we will be able to upload our minds at some point this century. We can leave it to philosophers and theologians where the soul would fit on that. But we're still quite a ways off. So for now, please, stop trying to sell your soul on the internets! It's a weird thing to do!