Monday Watch List: The Real SVU!

Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and pay tribute to Clarence Clemons. RIP, my man. Heaven needed a good horn man. LET’S GO!

SEX CRIMES UNIT – 9:00PM (HBO) Take a look inside the Manhattan District Attorney’s sexual assault division. It’s like the real version of “SVU,” only there’s no pithy Ice-T jokes to break up the seriousness. This sounds like a very serious documentary exploring the devastation caused by sexual assault. Stay tuned for “Cathouse” on HBO67 two hours later. ANTICIPATION: SAD!

ANIMAL PLANET INVESTIGATES: CAPTIVE HUNTING EXPOSED – 9:00PM (Animal Planet) Captive hunting, or “canned hunting,” is when hunters stalk and kill animals within a confined area. It’s like fishing in a trout farm, except you get to shoot the fish with a sawed-off. You probably know the practice best from when former Vice President Dick Cheney shot a companion in the face by accident during a captive mallard hunt. Tonight, Animal Planet goes a little deeper into the industry, no doubt with a critical eye. And I must say that I agree with them. Captive hunting is like going bowling with the gutter barriers. Total wuss move. ANTICIPATION: SAVE THE MALLARDS!

REBUILDING TITANIC – 9:00PM (NatGeo – an NBC/Universal network) Watch as modern shipbuilders try and build exact replicas of certain portions of the Titanic. And not only do they plan on recreating the ship, they also plan on recreating the way it was built, which means they’ll be doing the construction 1912-style, with old tools and all the asbestos you can eat. Crazy? Sure. Pointless? Oh yes. Fun? Well, I guess so, if recreating ancient child labor practices is your thing. Drink a shot if James Cameron pops by. ANTICIPATION: TITANICNESS!

EXTREME MAKEOVER: WEIGHT LOSS EDITION – 10:00PM (ABC) A man tries to shed hundreds of pounds with the help of guest life coaches and former Dallas Cowboys Michael Irvin and… Nate Newton? Really? The same Nate Newton that weighed 70,000 pounds and got pulled over with a truck full of weed? Seems like a misguided idea, but potentially hilarious all the same. ANTICIPATION: NEWTON!

HOARDERS – 9:00PM (A&E) Season premiere. Meet a woman who hoards dolls, dolls that can come to life and KILL YOU at any second. At least, that’s probably how you feel when you walk in her door and see a million American Girl dolls staring you in the face. ANTICIPATION: CREEPY!

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