Eulogy: Remembering the 2008-09 Anaheim Ducks

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. Gone but not forgotten, we've asked for these losers to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The fans who hated them the most. Here is James O'Brien of Cycle Like the Sedins, fondly recalling the Anaheim Ducks.)

By James O'Brien

We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of the 2008-09 Anaheim Ducks. Oh, Duckies, we barely knew thee.

No, seriously, it was never clear what kind of team you truly were.

You were forced to send Bobby Ryan(notes) to the minors so you could pay Todd Bertuzzi(notes) to play somewhere else. J.S. Giguere was able to win a Conn Smythe trophy and a Stanley Cup, but he couldn't keep this guy from taking his job.

Despite having some of the best young forwards west of the Crosby-Ovechkin line, you barely made the playoffs. Trying to go through the two best teams in the NHL before you even make the conference finals? That's just daffy.

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But we should not linger on the negative. Instead, let's look to the future by predicting the summer plans of our favorite Ducks. Emilio would have wanted it this way.

Scott Niedermayer(notes) will press the "ignore" button when "Brett Favre" comes up on his cell phone as he tries out various Hawaiian T-shirts. The question, though: will it be a two-week trip or will Scott go into full-fledged "Entourage" mode and never return?

As he does every summer, Chris Pronger(notes) will stare wordlessly at his wall until training camp begins.

Giguere will not receive a call from the Gatorade institute regarding the amount a person sweats while sitting on a bench for three hours.

Jonas Hiller(notes) will be rusty on the golf course, but Joe Thornton(notes) won't hear any of that noise. Oddly enough, Jumbo Joe has really blossomed into a clutch putter.

Todd Marchant's(notes) stone hands will act as stunt hands for "The Thing" in a straight-to-video "Fantastic Four" movie.

Someone will say "well, at least being drafted after Sidney Crosby(notes) won't be in the first paragraph of Bobby Ryan's obituary." A teenager will respond, "What is an obituary?"

Ryan Getzlaf(notes) will attend a seminar entitled "Learning to cope with loss" featuring guest speakers Wade Boggs and Mats Sundin(notes).

Ryan Whitney(notes) still won't learn how to throw a decent check for a dude his size.

And, finally, Corey Perry(notes) will continue to be an epic, undeniable douche.

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