Neuropsychologist says using these 4 phrases regularly means you're healthier and more secure than most

It's become a trope that your therapist will ask you about your childhood. But there's a good reason why they want to know. 

As a clinical and forensic neuropsychologist, I help people gain insight into their mental health and life struggles. So many of the challenges and struggles we experience as adults have their roots in the patterns we learned in early childhood, and the attachment styles we developed as a result. Those might be secure, avoidant, anxious, or disorganized.

About 38% of people in the U.S. report having a secure attachment style. I like to call them "Connected Explorers." They have a generally positive view of themselves and others, and their sense of self isn't overly dependent on what others think of them, what happens in a given day, or what they accomplish.

They can usually form healthy, stable relationships. And they stay connected to people who matter to them even as they explore and pursue their individual goals. 

I've found in my research and professional experience that "Connected Explorers" tend to embody four phrases. They regularly tell themselves: 

'I believe in and like myself'

The securely attached tend to have a strong sense of self, and higher self-esteem, than those who are insecurely attached. They're more likely to have consistently positive feelings about themselves, their abilities, and their perception of acceptance by others.

They tend to carry less shame, which, when present, can trigger feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.

The trust, support, and nurturing Connected Explorers received as children provides a buffer of sorts against the pervasive sense that there's something deeply flawed or fundamentally wrong with them.

'I can handle what comes my way'

Connected Explorers are resilient in the face of adversity. They're more likely to possess psychological flexibility than their insecurely attached counterparts, meaning that they can better cope with, accept, and adjust to difficult situations.

They're able to tweak the way they think about those situations. Psychologists call this "changing your script." Once they do, they can take action in ways that align with their values.

They can let go of a fixation on a certain outcome, adapt their coping strategies, and find different solutions and paths toward their goals. And they can do all this even when their thoughts and feelings might tell them to run away or pull the proverbial covers over their heads.

In general, people with higher psychological flexibility report lower levels of depression, anxiety, and distress, even when they deal with difficult events.

'I can effect positive outcomes'

Connected Explorers have a high degree of personal empowerment. Because caregivers were consistently available, sensitive to their needs, and responsive to their emotional cues, they learned agency and felt in control of their environment from a young age. 

They don't tend to feel helpless in stressful situations. They know that there are things in this world that are out of their control, but they're less likely to dwell on them. They believe that, more often than not, if they put in the effort, they'll be able to achieve what they put their mind to. 

Believing you can influence what happens to you is very important in creating a sense of stability and consistency in life. 

When securely attached individuals experience conflict or challenges, they have a high tolerance for frustration, can communicate effectively, and use problem-solving skills to reach a resolution — in large part because they're optimistic about their ability to overcome obstacles and be successful. They believe that the world is generally predictable and that they can provide for their own safety.

'I can be independent and rely on others, too'

We all have needs for connection and for self-reliance. As ever, the key is balance. We often call this interdependence. 

Connected Explorers understand where they end and others begin, and in the case of more intimate or romantic relationships, where the "we" begins, without becoming subsumed.

Although they enjoy connections with others, they also love their time alone. They:

• Maintain their own interests and encourage their partners to do the same
• Can ask for help but are comfortable handling issues on their own
• Don't feel guilty about getting support, because they know there'll be an opportunity for them to give it in return
• Freely express affection and don't worry that it might not come back to them
• Are comfortable with being vulnerable and sharing their emotions, experiences, and fears, and likely encourage others to do the same, resulting in co-regulation that helps them to destress and achieve calm
• Accept the reality of disagreements and know that despite conflict, they can stay connected
• Don't experience as much anxiety, fear, or doubt in their relationships

Securely attached adults are more likely to lead with a general belief that most people mean well rather than be overly skeptical or suspicious of others. They have a strong sense of personal values and will act relatively swiftly when others violate those values to communicate their disappointment or frustration. 

Although they may find themselves in situations that seem to threaten their internal working models (like being briefly in an emotionally abusive relationship), they can still objectively assess people and events, and generally recover their belief that most people can be relied upon and trusted. 

Even if these phrases don't sound familiar (yet), I have great news for you. People who believe they can change their attachment styles often do. While you can't change the past, you can work to build a new, secure attachment. 

Dr. Judy Ho is a triple board certified and licensed clinical and forensic neuropsychologist, a tenured associate professor at Pepperdine University, and the author of "Stop Self-Sabotage" and "The New Rules of Attachment." 

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Excerpt adapted from "The New Rules of Attachment: How to Heal Your Relationships, Reparent Your Inner Child, and Secure Your Life Vision" by Judy Ho, PhD, ABPP, ABPdN. Copyright © 2024 by Judy Ho, PhD, ABPP, ABPdN. Reprinted with permission of Balance Publishing, an imprint of Hachette Book Group. All rights reserved.