For 364 days a year, all that matters is what kind of music YOU like. But on Sunday, when the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards show comes on, it is the opinion of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences of the United States that counts.
We crunched the numbers, evaluated the contenders and channeled the academy's decision-making process to figure out who will win and who will be left sitting there in the audience, trying to hide their shame, rage and disappointment. Here's what we came up with for the Song of the Year category.
For your reference, Song of the Year is the category that rewards the songwriter, as opposed to Record of the Year, which rewards the producers, engineers, and mixers. When you think about it, AutoTune should really win the latter award every year. Let’s go to our nominees! THE CONTENDERS
”Pretty Wings,” by Maxwell
The Breakdown: Maxwell disappeared for eight years before returning this year. Where did Maxwell go? Did he go to remote China and train with deadly monks to become a crimefighter? Did he flee the United States on forgery charges? Did he freak out and quit music to become a cobbler? All good guesses, but wrong. What was Maxwell doing the past eight years? MASTERING THE ART OF SEDUCTION. VERDICT: Loser
”Use Somebody,” by Kings of Leon
The Breakdown: The Kings will probably end up taking home a statue in the Rock Group Performance category and miss out here. The band has a cool backstory. All of the members of the band are related. Three of them are brothers who grew up traveling with their dad, a Pentacostal preacher. But their father soon left the church and divorced their mom, and the boys moved to Nashville to become rock stars. VERDICT: Loser
”You Belong With Me,” by Taylor Swift
The Breakdown: I keep thinking Swift is poised to dominate these awards, given her enormous stardom and her poise and grace in the face of it all. But I can’t get past the fact that her songs are really meant for kids and not Grammy voters. Plus, peep these lyrics:
She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time
Oh, please. YOU’RE A ROCK STAR, LADY. You really expect me to picture you as the school wallflower? VERDICT: Loser
”Poker Face,” by Lady Gaga
The Breakdown: I expect this song to take home Record of the Year honors. But it won’t win in this category, and you’re about to find out why. VERDICT: Loser.
”Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It),” by Beyonce
The Breakdown: This song was NOT nominated for Record of the Year, replaced there by Beyonce’s “Halo,” which doesn’t make much sense to me. Regardless, this really was the song of the year. It’s impeccably written and produced, and it deserves the trophy. No one else stands a chance. Beyonce, come and get your gold. VERDICT: WINNER!