Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and plan to step down as Britain’s Prime Minister in the coming months. So sorry, Gordon Brown. The world only loves you as your alter ego: Sting. What? Gordon Brown isn’t Sting’s real name? It’s Gordon Something Else? Well, that explains why this fellow is stepping down then. LET’S GO!
AMERICAN IDOL – 9:00PM (FOX) Tonight, Bon Jovi comes in to perform as some loser contestant is given the boot. I have a great fear of Bon Jovi. I fear they have spent the past decade sticking around the music biz in hopes of landing a spot in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I sense it. I feel like they’re lobbying for that induction every time they make a public appearance now. “We’re Bon Jovi! We’re pleasant! Make us official legends!” Well, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is dopey, but it would be even dopier if Bon Jovi made it while freakin’ Husker Du looks on from the sidelines. Don’t you dare induct them, Jann Wenner. I don’t want “Born To Be My Baby” stuck in my head again. ANTICIPATION: TRIUMPH SAYS PEOPLE HAVE COME FROM AS FAR AS EXIT 12 TO SEE THEM!
MODERN FAMILY – 9:00PM (ABC) I owe Watch List readers throughout the universe an apology for assuming last week’s episode of “Modern Family” was the Hawaii episode. It wasn’t. It was the episode that took place in the airport PRIOR to the Hawaii episode. I assume tonight’s episode covers the plane ride, then the next one deals with the baggage claim. We should get to actual Hawaii sometime in Season 4. By the way, everyone on this show is filthy rich. I’m not saying I don’t love the show. But man, those are nice houses. Not really fair. ANTICIPATION: VERGARA IN A BIKINI! I CAN FEEL IT!
SECRETS OF THE DEAD – 8:00PM (PBS) Oh, the dead have terrrrible secrets. THEY PICK THEIR TOES! No actually, this PBS series (given its title, it belongs on NatGeo) tonight focuses on Winston Churchill (also not Sting’s real name), who decided to have the French naval fleet destroyed rather than risk having the Germans seize it and turn it against them. I like that France had absolutely NO say in the fate of France’s naval fleet. ANTICIPATION: CHEESE EATING SURRENDER MONKEYS!
UNDATEABLE – 10:00PM (VH1) This show covers things men do to make themselves unappealing to the dating world. Like wearing your cell phone in a holder. Or not having a job. Or being a puppy murderer. All dealbreakers. ANTICIPATION: I GOT A WIFE SO I’M DATEABLE AND A HALF!
TOP CHEF MASTERS – 10:00PM (Bravo – an NBC/Universal network) The voice actors from “The Simpsons” stop by to judge a quickfire challenge. I’mma need the Chief Wiggum voice busted out when the profiteroles come. That’s good work, boys. ANTICIPATION: MMMMMMM… FORBIDDEN DONUT